Bibliography: Picking Up the Pieces

This is a photo of me taken by my best friend when we visited her hometown in Wisconsin after spring finals last semester. This was the best point in my life so far.

Picking Up the Pieces

This piece is extremely personal, but I've decided to share solely because I've run out of times I can talk about this with my friends and family and I still don't "feel better". So, here's my attempt at "writing my feelings out" in hopes of healing. I can imagine it'll be lengthy, so I may right a series of biographies to finish what I have to say.

2019 changed my life. It shattered me. 2020 is the year I try to pick up the pieces.

Last year was one of the best and worst years of my life. It was the best because I had found a group of friends I wanted to have for a lifetime. I quit rowing and kept my weight down, which is huge to me. School was going successfully and I had an internship lined up for the summer. I met my best friend and made memories I will cherish forever. I've never felt more free and at place in my life.

However, it was also the worst. Unrequited love has made me its bitch. I had a total of three serious boyfriends through the year (not all at the same time!). I began the year with the shamefully continued toxic relationship that had been carried on since the summer before freshman year, making it nearly a year and a half that I was with this guy. I'll refer to him as James. We were not compatible at all and long story short, I was basically wrapped around his finger while he cheated on me left and right. I spent a majority of our relationship crying over him and becoming this crazy, insecure person I never wanted to become. It wasn't until we were close to returning back to school after winter break of sophomore year that he told me he was transferring to Alabama on such short notice. Although I was clearly worried what the distance would do to our relationship, I was determined to make it work. Well... it comes to no surprise that James dumped me within a week of him being there.

In hindsight, I realized in a matter of weeks that this was a blessing in disguise. I was free now. I no longer had to be a ball-and-chain to something I believed I wanted. Additionally, this is the beginning of me finding my people in college. I latched onto some amazing people that helped me recover from broken-heart syndrome with record speed.

About a month and a half flashes forward to my best friend's birthday. This was one of the best nights of my life. It ended in an unexpected way that was the second pivotal moment of that year. As my friends were passed out, sprawled all over our apartment, I receive a text from an unknown number. It was my best friend from high school that I fell in love with but could never have. I'll refer to him as Daniel.

Back then, he was set on getting accepted to West Point and took his training so seriously that he vowed not to date to eliminate any distractions. It was major controversy when my first boyfriend and I ended because although Daniel swore off dating, he always took extra notice towards me. It was like a typical high school secret romance until he said "screw the vow, I'm dating your best friend!" Okay, he didn't actually say that. Nevertheless he started dating my best friend and I had to act like I was happy for them. After all, we were only a secret.

My fake happiness didn't last for long, I became angry after he left for West Point and they were still dating. His new girlfriend had cheated on him incessantly while he was gone. I wanted to badly to tell him but I knew it wasn't my place. I blocked him on all platforms instead and tried to move on as if he never existed.

Now back to me sitting in my best friend's room at 1 AM, the only survivor after a drunken celebration. I didn't have to ask who it was to recognize the same number he'd had for years. I figured he was no longer blocked as I had gotten a new phone since then. Daniel was in Cabo for spring break and attempted to catch my attention by saying "You suck". Imagine my disbelief!! I called him right then and there, yelling in my defense and laying out all the pain he caused me in the past after not speaking to each other for two whole years. And then getting a text like that?

At this point I've decided I will continue the blog separately, as the story about Daniel will be a long one. It stands better on it's own, as well as the next, and last, guy.